All too Real

The reality of not having my mom anymore hits me sometimes a lot harder than others. Obviously I am aware every day that my mom is no longer on earth with me. But some days are harder than others, some days (like last week) I say out loud, to myself, "I really want to talk to my mom today" There is no understanding of why so many of us here on earth have to go through the pain and heart-ache of losing a loved one. There are no answers to the many questions our earthly minds can come up with. All we can do is cling to the promise that GOD has a greater plan and that HE is with us through all of our hard times.

Recently, I have been reminded of the scary and painful days my family went through when my mom first was diagnosed with cancer. And, I know that my aunt has been reliving those days as well. A dear friend of mine has recently learned that his mom is now facing lung cancer and will be fighting this fight and his family will be going through the ups and (hopefully not) downs that we did.

It is all too real to me.
The emotions are still fresh.

The questions still come quickly.

The pain is still there.

The fear comes quickly.

But, I know that my momma fought with all that she was. I am thankful for the example that she was during this fight and that we never saw her faith waiver. She knew who was in control of her fight and who was on her side. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is no longer fighting. She is no longer in pain. She is no longer sick. My momma was HEALED in the early hours of the morning on January 23, 2007. I won't forget the days and months that lead up to that morning. I won't forget the way I felt that morning. I won't forget the days that followed. But, I will always know where my momma is. And I can rejoice that Heaven is a much better place for her!

Tonight I was "catching up" on the blogs I enjoy reading when I learned of a young family that is in the middle of a horrible time. First let me say that after reading this friend's blog I was reminded how much the wonderful friends I have made over the past 5 years have become like family to me. My "family" extends across this country and around the world, between families and friends stationed in other countries to those loved ones who are currently deployed... but, back to tonight. Tonight I was reading a familiar blog when I read of The Sullivans and the tragic circumstances they are facing. I sat here and read their previous posts to "catch up" on all they had already been through. Tears filled my eyes as I finished reading their story and where Brady Sullivan is now and what he is facing. Tonight my heart is hurting for this young family and I am praying for GOD to give them peace like only He can. I may not know this family personally, but I feel that one of "our family" is hurting tonight as he is a jet pilot for the Air Force. Tonight I ask that you remember this young man and his family in your prayers too.

All too real.
The pain.
The loneliness.
The feelings of "where do we go from here"
and "what do we do now"
But, we are not alone!

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear,

though the earth give way and

the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam and

the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

September 11... then and now

September 11, 2001... It was my senior year of nursing school. I woke up that morning and drove to work. As I was on my way I was listening to the radio and heard the DJs begin talking about an "airplane crash" in New York.
As they continued to talk I listened as they watched the second Tower get hit by the hijacked plane...
I listened as they realized that these were attacks and that they were intentional.
Once I arrived at work we called and had someone bring us a TV so we could see what was happening.
As we watched the Pentagon get attacked and then heard of the brave Americans who took down Flight 93 the reality of it all set in.

Who would attack the United States?
We were not at war... why was this happening?

We went home for the day. As I got out of my car my dad asked why I was home and I remember telling him that "America is under attack!" I remember watching the news stations just wanting more and more information and answers.

I remember the tears,
the sadness for all those people who were lost,
the fear of what would happen next.
I remember wanting the fear to go away
and the safety that I once knew to come back.

The next few days were spent watching more "coverage." I do remember the day I was driving to clinicals and I remember seeing one of the first planes that was allowed to fly again in Columbus. As I drove up the freeway and watched it fly through our city buildings, I remember the fear that I was about to witness the same type of attack in my own home and what it was like for those who watched it in New York. I still remember watching that plane...
I remember thinking mostly of the impact this situation had on the firefighters in New York.
(at this time in my life, there were no military attachments for me) I remember thinking about

MY HERO
the firefighters
my dad

I remember dad saying that he wanted to go help with the search and rescue and how proud of him I was for what he does. Daddy's Girls heroes are always (and will always be) their daddy's. I remember not wanting him to go because I didn't want anything to happen to him, as I had watched the Towers collapse. Dad's department didn't send anyone, but he was on the list to go.

I remember thinking... What now??

September 11, 2009...
As I started writing the date last night at work it started to hit me.

I have always remembered the day
and thought about those who were lost
and thought about where I was that day...

Today it was harder.
Today I also remember that my guy is gone
and fighting for our freedom
Today I miss him, but am so proud of him
and so proud to call him My Hero as well

To hear the songs, to see the many tributes from friends and others. To see the reactions as people ask "what's today's date?"... these all brought more emotion today than I expected. The memories and emotions are just as strong, probably stronger, today than they were 8yrs ago.

Who would have thought this is where I would be?
In love with a Navy Jet Pilot.

Knowing that he has made a choice
to give of his time and life to serve and protect our country.
And knowing that I have chosen to support him in every way I can.
Today I not only think about BW
but also about all the friends we have made along this journey.
The ones who are home and the ones who are away.

Today, I am proud to be a part of this crazy Navy life
and am proud to call him mine.

I remember those who were lost
I remember those who were directly affected
I remember those who are fighting today to keep us safe.

Ohio

As has become my "routine" every year, I went up to Ohio for Labor Day weekend. This is a great weekend for me to plan a trip up there because

1) I usually can manage a long weekend

2) it's Cody's birthday

3) the first OSU Football game of the season!!!

So, this year was the same. I was able to drive up to Ohio on Thursday and stay until Tuesday morning. The drive is long, but this was the best driving I have done making this trip -- it was beautiful and sunny on my way up and even though it rained some as I left OH on Thursday it started clearing around WV and just became sunnier and prettier as I got closer to home. All-in-all not a bad drive! It was nice to have something to check another weekend off the calendar, even though I realized (again) that I even missed BW while I was there because I couldn't call and tell him the funny stories (ie the rednecks shooting a cow out front the first night...* ) or about what we did. But, I did hear from him so am thankful for that! =)

But, back to my visit... I arrived Thursday night which was Cody's 5th birthday! I cannot believe he is 5yrs old... I remember flying to Ohio 5yrs ago from LA to be there for his birth. He is so cute and so smart and just such a great boy! I am so in love with him...

Thursday night we had pizza (Tressa has learned the way to my heart =) and always shows up with Donatos... she's the best!!) and then dad had a little birthday cake for Cody, which he loved! Then Friday dad had planned a fun day of celebrating... he, Tressa, Cody and I went to Galaxy Golf were Cody was able to run around and play in the tunnels, play games and win tickets, we all played putt-putt and of course he opened presents!! What fun I had buying presents... kid's got it made with Aunt Jessie living out of town so I may or may not completely spoil him when I do come back to Ohio =) and boy do I love to do it!!

We played 18 holes of putt-putt, now let me just say I never enjoyed that game when my brother used to choose to do it every single year for his birthday... and I am still no good at it! But, I had a blast spending time with Cody and dad and Tressa. We all hit holes-in-one on one hole or another, mine was probably the most difficult hole on the course!! =) And Cody just had so much fun. It was a great day!! I am so glad I was able to spend that time with him (and them).

Saturday was GAME TIME!!! I absolutely-with-all-I-am L.O.V.E. college football, and especially Ohio State Football!! It just makes me so happy =) So I am super excited for college football season to be here. I especially love the fun and excitement of being on campus with my friends tailgating and then being in the stadium watching the game!! I love my OSU friends (Lori!!) and really appreciate getting to take part in all the fun of football Saturdays with her/them!

This game was especially exciting for me since Ohio State was playing Navy and BW is an USNA grad... but it sucked, too, since he couldn't be there with me. I will admit I was slightly torn... for a second... on who to cheer for, but never fear! I wore my RED and cheered with the best -- loudest! -- of them!! =) Although, it was much more exciting for me to watch the fly-over at this game than it ever has been before, and it was fun to know "what kind of airplane that was" whenever that question was brought up =) I answered proudly, "THAT was a F-18!"... quickly followed by "my guy flies those!" hehe

After a not-so-great game by my dear Buckeyes,

the scoreboard still tells the story! =)

OSU 31 Navy 27

Layla was very tired after all of her cheering as well! But she loves her new OSU collar!

GO BUCKEYES!!!

Those were the highlights of my trip. I enjoyed being back up in Ohio for a bit and had a great time with my friends and family. I hate missing football season more than anything and that was renewed this weekend with all the fun I had being at the game and around my 351,785 Buckeye Friends! =) But, I will watch and cheer from home the rest of the season (even have a Buckeye Football Club at my housing community to watch and cheer with!)!

My trip ended, however, on a disappointing note... I was planning a "detour" of sorts on my way home to visit with someone who used to be very close to me who is celebrating an exciting time in her life. However, at the last minute, that visit was cancelled (not by me) and that made me incredibly sad. I've seen life change and have seen the effects of life's changes effect friendships in many different ways... this is one I always thought would be there and would be close, but it has been made very evident lately that that will not be the case here. I am incredibly sad and hurt by this, but will move on... I learned from my momma to love my friends usually until it hurts, and will never regret doing that -- in this situation or any other. I am beyond thankful for the new friends I have to go through this deployment with as well as the ones that have been around for awhile and are still fabulous! It is always hard and sad to see a friend, especially one that was so close, turn away.

BW is doing well... somewhere far away. Email has become a very important part of my day and I never knew how exciting a 20 minute phone call could be or the impact it could have on my day, but I am so thankful for it! Be safe, my love! I miss you!

*The first night I was at dad's was beyond entertaining... dad went to bed, I put Cody to bed and was just sitting down to read when I heard a helicopter outside (it's about 11pm), I look out and realize it is a police helicopter and is shining its light around outside... this is fun, I think, looking for someone right outside... no sooner does that thought cross my mind do I hear GUNSHOTS! Huh, getting more interesting by the minute!! Dad comes downstairs just as I start up to get him, says he saw a Sheriff pull up out front with lights on and we hear more gun shots... so out we go to find out what on earth is going on. After about 30+ minutes dad comes back in with the story... the redneck neighbors shot a cow!!! Apparently about 3 months ago 18 cows got loose from one of the close-by farms. With-in the first couple days 17 were caught but they just couldn't get the last one, apparently. So, the farmer said recently that if anyone found it they could shoot it. Well, of course that gets the local rednecks all excited and they have been out hunting this cow/steer ever since!!! Apparently Thursday night a Columbus police officer was on his way to work and saw the cow at the creek by dad's house, called his station who sent out the helicopter which then got the attention of the redneck neighbors and they came out and shot the steer in the field across the street from dad's house! I can't even make this stuff up... Dad said the crazy redneck was out there posing for pictures with his wife-beater on, barely covering his beer-belly and his foot up on the steer... had I known what was going on I would have taken a picture myself! Only in Ohio, I tell you!